Monday, February 4, 2008

Howling VII: Worst Movie I've Ever Watched?

Film Review:

Howling 7: New Moon Rising:

I love this movie because it sucked so bad. You really have to see it to believe it. It's a really unique film. After finishing it, I actually rewound the tape (nobody's ever issued it on DVD) and watched it again, just to be sure it was actually as bad as I thought it was the first time I watched it. I really want to buy this movie and just put it on as background noise whenever I'm doing something else. It's just amazing how bad it is. It shows me what makes a movie good by showing what makes a movie bad.

Oh man. This is the Holy Grail. The absolute worst of the worst. Forget Troll 2, Komodo vs. Cobra, 2 Sick, forget EVERYTHING, this is hands down the worst one. This is inspiring. Here is a list of the magnificent attributes of HOWLING VII: New Moon Rising.
-No actor appears to be under the age of 30. Only one of the characters appears under age 40. This movie is like a nursing home for elderly and middle aged never-has-been actors.
-The acting is not even wooden, it is petrified wood. There is a country western music soundtrack. There are line dancing sequences. And even those appear as tired, staged, and half hearted as the rest of the film.
-The dialogue features the corniest jokes imaginable. It is absolute bottom of the barrel bar room banter, stuff that you would not laugh at no matter how wasted you are, even if you were a werewolf.
-All of the action and werewolf scenes before the climax are clips from the previous six Howling movies.
-The original footage of the werewolf comprises a total of only 10 SECONDS of the entire film! The time elapsed from the transformation of the werewolf until it is gunned down in a hail of silver bullets is just under 30 SECONDS!
-The picture quality is just above that of a home camcorder.
In addition to some of the highlights mentioned above, here are some interesting facts about the techniques used to make a film like Howling 7:
-None of the actors used were professional actors. The cast is composed of writer and producer Clive Turner, a few local country western musicians, and a handful of townspeople in the filming location of Pioneer Town in Yucca Valley, California.

The campfire sing along song towards the end, the one that starts out “Oh they don’t make drugs like they used to…” is priceless.
This film will have you shaking your head, cringing, and dropping your jaw scene after scene, line after line, country song after country song. This is the baddest of the bad, the lowest of the low, and I loved every minute of it.

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